


Big Spoon, Little Spoon

by ThatWildWolf



Category: Mass Effect Trilogy
Genre: Alien Biology, Alien Cultural Differences, Alien/Human Relationships, Cuddling & Snuggling, Cultural Differences, F/M, Identity Issues, Interspecies Awkwardness, Interspecies Romance, No Shepard Without Vakarian, Spacer (Mass Effect), Spooning, Spooning As A Metaphor For Nationality Issues
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-26
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:28:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,718
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26958079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ThatWildWolf/pseuds/ThatWildWolf
Summary: Because problems in the bedroom don't necessarily have to be sex problems and Shepard just wants to take a break and spoon with her boyfriend.
Relationships: Female Shepard/Garrus Vakarian
Comments: 9
Kudos: 64





	Big Spoon, Little Spoon

**Author's Note:**

> Well, I'm aware this fic will probably be known as "the Spooning As A Metaphor For Nationality Issues fanfic" but actually what I was going for here is spotlighting the contrast of how Shepard and Garrus think of their relationship - one of them putting it right at the center of their life and the other... not - and why it works so well even despite that difference. But yeah. It also does feature spooning as a metaphor for nationality issues, so make of that what you will xd

Shepard let out a low moan, leaning back in her chair. The lights were out in her room and while she had no idea what time it was, she knew she had not slept today yet, so it was probably late. She had been working her way through piles of paperwork (metaphorical piles, of course—all of it was digitalized) for hours now and it was only _barely_ preferable to armed combat.

She was tired, she was angry, she was sad... Most of all she was tired, though.

She pushed a button on her intercom. She hesitated for a moment - she didn't want anyone to disturb her and really, neither did _she_ want to disturb anyone else...

After a moment's deliberation, she only sent out a color signal. Blue. She and EDI had assigned specific protocol to several basic colors not late after Shepard got reinstated. It made things easier because some of the procedures were too complicated to quickly relay with words. A blue light, for instance, the light she had lit just now, meant she didn't feel like talking and that all official matters should be redirected to someone else. It meant she did not want to be disturbed unless it was of galactic importance. It gave the crew a signal to take things slow for a few hours.

It also sent a simple message to Garrus, one she had pre-recorded months earlier.

_Feeling down. If you're down for some R &R, come up to my cabin._

Shepard sighed, leaning her head on the fish tank. Aside from the luminescent jellyfish inside, the only lights came from her terminal and alarm clock.

It didn't bother her. Even if she weren't wearing her visor which gave her almost perfect night vision, she knew the layout of this room by heart.

It didn't take long for the elevator to ping again.

"I should have moved in here by now," Garrus mused absently, taking in the darkened room in one sweep. He nuzzled to Shepard's hair before leaving a chaste kiss on her forehead. "Hi."

"Hi."

"You called."

She huffed, amused. "You didn't _have to_ come," she noticed.

"If I didn't have to, you wouldn't have asked me to."

Shepard looked at him analytically, narrowing her eyes to better see in the almost complete darkness that surrounded them.

"...Good point," she admitted eventually. She sighed. "I know it's stupid but... Do you think we could try it again?"

Garrus clicked his mandibles, not entirely convinced but not looking to argue, either.

"Sure."

Spooning was an alien term to Garrus. Had been before he and Shepard got serious, at least. Now he understood the idea (and _somewhat_ understood the etymology... though it still _kind of_ eluded him).

Unlike sex or kissing (which were, in his humble opinion, mindblowing), cuddling was a form of physical affection that did _not_ benefit from the physical differences between their species. They were able to hug and nuzzle just fine as long as they both were mindful of the pointy bits and the soft bits, but spooning posed a logistical problem.

Shepard was mentally coded to be the big spoon.

Maybe it was her need of control or maybe she just liked to hug something. Either way, she had a preference and he respected that. It had not worked out so well, none of the times they'd tried it. All majestic screw-ups so far. They had been poking fun at it, making jokes, but Garrus could tell Shepard was getting frustrated.

He wanted this with her, too, but there were also different ways to show affection and he didn't get so hung up on it.

He liked simply having her near, her body on his. She was always so warm, it felt like snuggling under a blanket. For him, it was enough to rest his head on hers and feel the very alien texture of her hair tickling his throat whenever he spoke, or just hold her hand after sex when she let herself be vulnerable like never otherwise. For him, that was enough.

For her, it was not. All the turian mating customs Garrus had proposed they try they had already tried. But she also needed something from her own culture right now, and Garrus was very belatedly realizing why.

Shepard was... human.

While he more often than not thought of her as his CO, later his girlfriend (most of the time both) the fact remained that she was also a human. And while Garrus loved her as the human she was, he sometimes forgot what her humanity meant to Shepard.

Her species was still relatively young... Still finding their place in the galaxy until she came along and found it for them. She had told him on many occasions about the Skyllian Blitz and the attention it got her. Ever since then, she must have felt...

Garrus looked down.

She must have been so determined. She had been supposed to represent humanity in the galaxy, not just as a Spectre or as an Alliance officer, but as a person too.

Things were different now. Now, during this war... _This damned war._

It tore his heart apart to see Palaven burn. To see the place where he'd grown up, where he'd lived, where his entire species and culture hailed from, being reduced to a flaming ruin so easily, and him being unable to do anything about it.

And even though Shepard was human, she shared his pain and his grief, and she had grieved along with him for that loss.

She didn't feel the same about Earth.

Garrus had _waited_. He had waited patiently, ready to console her about it just as she'd consoled him. It took him a while but eventually he realized she wasn't going to come crying to him over Earth. It wasn't her home.

Shepard had been born and raised aboard spaceships. Until a year ago, she hadn't seen that planet other than in pictures. She was fighting as fiercely as ever, as fiercely as Garrus was, but the difference between the two of them was that she wasn't defending her home.

Simply because she didn't have one.

Was this her desperate attempt to feel human in the middle of this whole mess? She'd said she didn't want anything closer to home. That she wanted to be with him. And yet Garrus wondered if she didn't sometimes wish she had a human partner who could help her through those rougher patches. A man who would have been able to help her remember what she was fighting for and how to hold on to her humanity even in the times of greatest despair... Instead she had a turian as broken as herself, who couldn't do anything in those moments aside from patiently listening and offering a shoulder to cry on.

For him, the idea of spooning was just another form of cuddling. But it was a very human custom and that was probably why Shepard wanted it with him so badly.

"Shepard?"

"Hm?" She looked up at him, the blue glow from her terminal reflecting in her pupils.

"We could try one where you're the little spoon."

She tapped a fist on his carapace. "Are you sure? You're kind of... you know."

"I would never hurt you."

She didn't blink, looking him straight into the eyes for a longer while.

"That's true," she whispered eventually. She closed her eyes and fell forward, straight into his arms and let him hold her. She sniffed. "What have I ever done to deserve you?"

"Shepard, honey, with all the love in the world. I hate to break this to you, but I'm exactly what you deserve."

He was broken. She was broken. Honestly there were barely enough pieces between the two of them to make one whole person, but here they were. Two people desperately holding on to each other in the swirling tempest of this war around them, both putting on a charade before the world to pretend they didn't need help. Only in each other could they find their sanctuary.

And now more than ever they knew they weren't good people, neither one of them. Not only by the headcount. They had been tainted by the things they'd done, the horrors which wouldn't leave even when everything else did.

With all of that baggage, to stand before another person and let them judge you... Because there was no way not to judge someone when you knew them that well, when you saw them that clearly... It required a lot of courage.

And to see all the flaws of the other person so clearly before you, to know all their worst sins and still accept them... That was love.

"I love you," Garrus whispered. He wasn't sure he'd ever said that to her aloud.

Shepard nodded absently. "Love you too," she replied automatically. She didn't think on it as much as he did. She didn't overanalyze it before she said it—she just said it.

 _You're in your head too much_ , she would say sometimes, when she was in a more playful mood, and she would knock on his forehead to emphasize the point. Shepard did things without thinking them over. Once she made a decision, she committed to it. In that aspect, they were very different. Being with her—as his lover, as his friend, or as his commanding officer, it didn't matter—had made him more decisive, too. He supposed that, on a subconscious level, he had always tried to imitate the woman he looked up to so much. Without even knowing it, she had taught him not to doubt himself so much.

But this was different... He really wanted to get this right.

Get it right. Their relationship meant the world to Garrus and he would be damned if he made a mistake and screwed it up. It was the most important thing in his life—and he was also helping save the world. So he _was_ going to overthink his decisions. Just to be _sure_ he got this right.

As they stumbled onto the bed in the complete darkness that surrounded them, Garrus didn't let go of Shepard's hand even for a second.

He closed his eyes, not that it made much difference with how dark it was in the room, and let himself rely on his other senses. He inhaled sharply.

Like always, Shepard smelled like armor grease and that curious Earth fruit she called _coconut_ (It wasn't a nut. It was a fruit. Pointing that out to humans confused and upset them.), but today she also had an underlying scent of sweat. Nervous or physically tired? He never could tell with humans. (Then again, he never could tell with _any_ species.)

He buried his face in her hair.

Shepard's shoulders tensed reflexively when she felt his breath on her neck. It was for just a fraction of a second, before her brain reminded her body that it was Garrus, her friend and her gunnery officer and her boyfriend and all-around an ally, but it still happened. It always happened.

She preferred to be the big spoon. It was a subconscious reflex and she had never considered anything else. Especially when Garrus was involved. She wanted to protect him and silly as it was, holding him like that helped her put her mind at ease and believe she _could_.

But this was nice too.

She had thought she wouldn't be able to relax knowing that there was someone behind her, and it shocked her to realize that that was the point. He had her back right now. She didn't have to worry about anything because he was there, holding her, protecting her. This sense of security was something she had to attribute to her trust in him. There was no other explanation.

This was about putting her trust in another person for once.

"So?" When Garrus spoke, she could feel his chest and throat moving against her head. His voice sounded a bit different. "Is this good?"

"I... could get used to it," she admitted hesitantly. She closed her eyes and only after a moment did she realize she had actually done it. Fully and completely let down her guard, letting someone else watch out for danger.

She fluttered her eyelids, surprised. She gently moved Garrus's arm off herself, moving away from him.

"What's wrong?" The way his expression changed immediately was telltale that he saw through her. He reached out to her. "Did that hurt you?"

"No!" She all but instinctively batted his hand away. "No, that was... very nice."

She sat on the edge of the bed, legs crossed and eyes fixed on the floor.

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I just don't think I expected it to be _quite_ so nice. You know what I mean?"

Garrus opened his mouth.

"I... No," he admitted eventually.

"I don't think we should do this anymore."

"You don't think we should... cuddle?"

"Yes. I just... I'm sorry, I just can't allow myself to let my guard down." Shepard flexed her fingers absently. "I can't let that become a habit, I... There's too much at stake. I need to be... I can't just..."

"It's alright." Garrus rested his head in the crook of her neck. His arms wrapped around her waist, hugging closely. "This is nice too."

"It's just that... I have to be alert all the time. Everyone's counting on me." She exhaled, her breath was ragged. "I can't just _relax."_ She leaned her head on his. "You know I love you. But I can't... The mission is more important."

"I know," he purred. "It's who you are."

Shepard sat up straight now and turned back so she could look him in the eyes.

"You're not mad, are you?"

Garrus sighed.

He stood up, a hulking figure in an almost completely dark room, illuminated only by the weak blue glow from her terminal by the door. The light reflected on his exoskeleton, refracted in an almost mystical, completely alien way.

"Shepard, I've known you for—what, five years now? That's two years longer than _you've_ known _me."_

"Not funny."

"My point is, I know you and the kind of person you are. So... I'm not mad." He closed his eyes, leaning on the fish tank behind him. His body's outline was illuminated by the luminescent jellyfish that swam inside. "I can't be mad at you because of who you are."

Shepard looked down.

"I entered this relationship knowing where your priorities lie. I'm not going to lie to myself, Shepard—I know I'll never be the first priority in your life. And that's..." He took in a deep breath. Slowly, he let it out. "And that's okay, too."

"Garrus..." She smiled sadly, though, with the way they were positioned now, she doubted he could see any detail of her face.

"That's okay," he repeated. This time it sounded like he was trying to convince _himself_ of it too. "You _have_ _to_ do this. It's what you were always meant to be. I can't very well date _Commander Shepard_ and not expect to be put on the sidelines. That would be... stupid. I'm not going to do that." He tilted his head. "I'm going to stand back and let you do your thing. I'm fine on the sidelines, Shepard, as long as _you're_ in the lead. Because I knew going in what I was getting myself into. I always knew I would be number two, so I had the time to get used to it. And, whatever happens... No matter if you win this thing or decide to let it go... I'll always be waiting for you."

Shepard sniffed, laughing quietly.

 _"Fuck_ you, Vakarian." She ran a hand through her hair. "You know I don't have a way with words. How do I reciprocate a big romantic speech like that?"

"Oh. Well, _that's_ simple, really."

Garrus took her hand, his cool hide brushing against her skin and leaving goosebumps behind. He looked her straight in the eyes. The light from her visor illuminated his face and the light from his visor illuminated hers.

Garrus swallowed, putting a hand on her cheek. She blinked, but she never looked away. He knew now, seeing her like this... It _was_ simple.

"Don't die."


End file.
